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Sunday, February 13, 2011

Of kissing frogs and broken bones

Because I don't mind being the subject of your amusement/derision, I am going to give you the sad tale of the one and only blind date I have ever gone on. This story takes place in the spring just after my first annual 29th birthday....
I hadn't dated anyone in a long time. I’d been nursing a battered and bruised heart, and a friend was determined to drag me kicking and screaming back into the dating world again. She decided to set me up on a blind date with the really cute new guy in her office. After some not-so-gentle prodding, I relented and the numbers were exchanged.

I am sad to tell you that I can't even remember my date's name now, but the events of that evening are indelibly etched in my mind.

He lived up to the hype. Hel-lo hottie man! We went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant, and then we were heading to a comedy club nearby for some entertainment. We were early for the show, so we went to the bar next door and had a beer while we waited.

Now, I would love to blame the booze for what happened next, but even I am not enough of a lightweight to pin my clumsiness on the two beers total I had consumed with dinner and after. We were walking the approximately 50 yards from the bar to the comedy club when I tripped.

Over nothing. Nothing at all.

Did I stumble a little? Did I flail and catch myself? Did my knight in the black leather jacket catch me, and press me to the safety and security of his manly chest? No. I full out took a header, there on the sidewalk just outside of the club. I landed on my arm, and hit my forehead on the pavement. The fall itself was so spectacular, that people waiting in line for the club hurried to help me up while my date stood staring at the clumsy lump on the ground.

Of course, I was mortified. I brushed myself off, insisting that I was fine, and tried to laugh about it. Fighting back tears of pain and humiliation, I insisted that we go into the club. Once we had secured our table, I told my date that I was going to go to the ladies room to clean up.

Once I had reached the safety of the restroom, I completely fell apart. The other women in the room, some of whom had witnessed my Chevy Chase pratfall, were sympathetic and consoling.  Luckily, a few of them worked at the salon/dayspa that occupied space in the same strip mall. They held cool paper towels to the growing knot on my head, whipped out massive cosmetic bags and fixed my face. My hair was combed to cover the lump, I was handed a cup of ice water, and then given a gentle shove back out into the lion's den.

There were three comedians scheduled that night. We laughed along with the crowd, but I noticed as more and more time passed that my head wasn't what was bothering me as much as my growing inability to lift my left arm to applaud. By the time the last guy was finished, so was my ability to keep up the pretense. When my date asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I told him that I really didn't feel well and that I thought I should call it a night.

Oddly enough, he seemed upset. He took me back to my apartment, and even came in for a minute. At that point, I just wanted to laugh and say, "You're not getting lucky tonight, sweetie. Move on."

Finally, he got the hint, and took off. My roommate was staying at her boyfriend's that night, so I called her and sobbed out the entire story, leading with the headline, "I think I broke my arm!"

She assured me that it was probably just a sprain since I could move it, and that I should ice it, elevate it, and if it wasn't better by morning, she would take me to the emergency room. Since it was already after 1am, I thought that it seemed reasonable. I called her back at 6AM, and we spent a lovely morning hanging out in the waiting room. I’d crafted a sling from a chiffon scarf patterned with sailboats, and sailed one of those boats up the river Denial until the x-ray tech confirmed the break. I was plastered up, given a script for Vicodin, and sent on my merry way.

The girlfriend that instigated the set up and my roommate were at my side for the rest of the weekend. The guy? Never heard from him. Not even a message on the machine to see if I was okay. The following Monday, my friend told him I’d broken my arm.

His response? "Wow, really? Well, she did fall really hard."

My answer? "Yeah, luckily not for you."

The moral of the story? Blind dates can be hazardous to your health. 

Just a friendly reminder.

What about you? Have you kissed any frogs? Have a tragic dating story to share? Come on! Tell me I’m not the only one to fail dating 101. Please?

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doxymom said...

Ouch! You were better off without that insensitive guy. He didn't even help you up?

My blind date wasn't that painful, just gross. We didn't get along at dinner, argued a bit, went dutch. He walked me home and then wanted a kiss goodnight. He had a giant dorky smile and was licking his lips--over and over, big wet and slobbery. Like a Saint Bernard. "You know what comes NOW," he said. Uh, me getting nauseous? I shook his hand.

Miranda Grissom said...

Wow I can't believe you sat through a date with a broken arm. What a jerk!! That's all I can say about him without being mean! I have never actually been on a blind date so I don't have any good stories. :(

Margaret said...

Eh, he was no loss, right? At least I found my dream man eventually!

Doxymom - good call on the handshake. I'd rather kiss a St. Bernard.

Miranda - I didn't really know it was broken until I started having trouble raising it. 29 was not a very good year, but 30 rocked!

Maria said...

Count yourself lucky that he didn't call you back...what a jerk! He should have been in the crowd of people helping to pick you up off the sidewalk and should have realized that something wasn't right and taken you for medical care. I have been on a blind date and actually dated the guy a few times after that but we never really developed a relationship:)


Virginia said...

I don't think I went on many blind date if any. I think you had a terrible time on yours and I can see that happening to me, because I am a cluts and the older I get the worse I am. I still think he should have called and checked on you.


Gabby said...

Man that had to sting, what kind of guy doesn't even check on you after a fall like that? Glad to know you made it through ok though.

Anyway, this isn't exactly a blind date story, but I think it fits in a little bit. I got the email address from this guy I think he was a relative of one of my mom's so-workers that my mom knew.

He seemed nice so we made tentative plans to have dinner together, the day got close and I checked to make sure we were still on for that night he said yeah.

The day came and he never
contacted me again, needless to say we never made it to the restaurant. I felt kind of stupid afterward and kept thinking 'what if?'

Elie said...

What a great story. I am single for the first time in well, a long time and the idea of dating is scary at best. But a blind date, no way. People are just now trying to set me up, they are being discreet, but it is happening. I think I will stick to my books, at least it will save me some humiliation. thanks for sharing. Tripping over nothing is something that I would totally do.

Christine said...

Yikes! What a crazy story. He's a jerk for not helping you. But it worked out in the end with a better man!
I guess the worst date I had was the one where i was stood up. We were 16 and had agreed to meet at the movies. I showed up, he never did. But granted I'm sure 16 year old boys are not the best with keeping plans made a week before. I think he just forgot, I don't think it was personal. That would have been our second date. Needless to say, I didn't go out with him again. But I did make out with him at his house while I was supposed to be babysitting his younger sister. :)


Maria Zannini said...

OMG, Margaret. He was a jerk. And you were way too brave and nice to him. You poor thing.

But I'll hand it to you, that would definitely be a night to remember.

Hope it never happened again. Ouch.

liana laverentz said...

What a dodo bird. He could have at least helped you up off the ground. Good comeback to his well she fell really hard comment!

LuAnn said...

You were lucky not to get seriously injured. What would the dolt have done then?

reading_frenzy at yahoo dot com

Karin said...

Ouch! Hey, at least you got a good story out of the experience if nothing else. As for me, I have my own not so fun story about a blind/first date.

I worked with this guy my sophomore year of college. We'd been working together for about a year and I had a little crush on him, but had never done anything about it. One day while we were working, his roommate, who also worked with us, basically pushed the two of us into going to a movie together. So, we ended up settling on that Saturday after I got off of work at my other job. I drove down to their apartment and we left for the theater. The whole way up to the theater, the guy was telling me how he hoped we wouldn't run into his ex-girlfriend who might work there since they worked there together when they were dating.

Once we got to the theater, we got in line for tickets and then he bought his ticket and I had to buy my own - to a movie I didn't really want to see and whose title I can't even remember. So, we sat through the movie and waited for the theater to pretty much empty afterward because he didn't want to get stuck in the crowd.

As we were sitting there waiting for everyone else to leave, I got a tap on my shoulder. It turned out to be one of the guys I had asked to my junior prom who turned me down (that's a whole other story). The guy I was with knew the story and the fact that I had gotten back in touch with this guy in the last year and had become friends again.

The guy from high school was there with his girlfriend, but we had a nice little conversation. It was just a bit of poetic justice after that crappy ride to the theater. The drive back to the guy's apartment was a bit awkward and I was more than happy to get in my car and drive home.

heavy hedonist said...

Amazing story, you poor sweet thing! Thank the goddess you knew you deserved better.

Cindy L said...

Oh my Margaret! I can see why you never went out on another blind date! Better to find out he's an @$$ on the first date than to waste time on the loser and find out later. So glad you found someone better!
Fortunately my hubby has been thru through the good and the bad with could I not marry someone that's seen me at my worst! He also would have been the first person to help you up if he'd been there and he would have administered first aid too. Seriously...he's done it on many occasions...somehow he's always there when people get hurt.



You are lucky that he didn't call.


Margaret said...

Thanks for all of your comments and sharing your stories! Dating can be a horror, but when you meet the right one.... *sigh*

Di said...

Wow - don't know anybody who can beat that story. Sorry it happened to you.

sallans d at yahoo dot com