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Thursday, November 11, 2010

GUEST BLOG: DELANEY DIAMOND

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE


I stole this idea from Oprah Winfrey. On her website she lists things she knows for sure. The topics range from spirituality to relationships, and everything in between.

There you’ll find such statements as, “If you feel incomplete, you alone must fill yourself with love in all your empty, shattered spaces” and “Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.” It’s all very deep, serious stuff.

She also has a list of top 20 things she knows for sure, which gave me an idea. I should create a list of things I know for sure. Except my list would be fun and lighthearted.

So here it is: Delaney Diamond’s top 20 list of Things I Know for Sure About Romance Novels.

1. It is absolutely within the realm of reality to find a husband who is a quadruple threat: tall, dark, rich, and handsome.

2. All the really hot foreign men are either sheiks, Latino, Sicilian, Greek, or Italian.

3. Regarding sexy men on American soil, there is a disproportionate number of them who are navy seals, firefighters, doctors, and cowboys.

4. Good girls finish first.

5. Bad boys finish first.

6. Opposites attract (see 4 and 5 above).

7. Men don’t mind sharing the women they love with their friends or family members in polyamorous relationships. Who knew there were so many open-minded hunks?

8. If a heroine gets pregnant by a billionaire hero, no matter how poor she is, she shouldn’t tell him about the baby. It’s the best way to ensure that when he does find out (and he will), he’ll get his “revenge” by forcing her to marry him, thereby giving her what she really wanted anyway.

9. Aliens from other planets are not little green men with large black eyes. They’re actually sexy cyborg-like creatures in human form with incredible sex drives.

10. Vampires are not scary; they’re sexy. Ditto for werewolves.

11. If the hero offers the heroine anything in exchange for sleeping with him, he is only doing so because he loves her and desires her. Instead of telling her that, he waits until near the end of the story—when he’s about to lose her.

12. There are thousands upon thousands of sheiks and European princes who need to get married to sire an heir.

13. If a man is devastatingly handsome, you can be certain he’s rich. And vice versa.

14. Race no longer matters. That’s clearly reflected in the growth of the subgenre of interracial romance, where race is seldom, if ever, an issue.

15. No matter what problems the hero and heroine experience in the novel, there will be a happy ending.

16. There is a surprising number of adult female virgins still in existence in the 21st century, despite statistics to the contrary.

17. When a man treats a heroine with cool indifference, he’s secretly in love with her and is trying to fight it.

18. The more difficult, independent, and headstrong the heroine, the more quickly the hero will fall in love with her.

19. The hero will fall in love with the heroine after a one night stand. And she will get pregnant. (refer to number 8 for how pregnancies are handled)
This next one doesn’t quite fit, but it was on Oprah’s top 20 list, it caught my eye, and so I decided to include it.

20. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.

So, what things do you know for sure about romance novels that were not included on this list?

Delaney Diamond is a freelance writer and copyeditor living in Atlanta, GA. She is fortunate enough to get paid for doing what she loves (#20)—writing stories about love and passion. Her debut novel, The Arrangement, will be available November 12, 2010. It’s the story of a Brazilian millionaire (#1, #2, #13) whose African-American wife left him four months ago (#14). Now she’s in his office asking for a business loan to help her brother. He’ll give her the money, but only if she agrees to resume her role as his wife (#11). But when she finds out about his betrayal, there may be no way for them to mend their broken marriage.

Go to www.delaneydiamond.com to read an excerpt. Then get the book on November 12th to find out how they arrive at their happy ending (#15). See the video here:



6 comments:

A.Y. Stratton said...

Dear, wonderfully funny Delanie,
I know one more thing for sure: if I read one of your books I will laugh out loud. Thanks for posting that great list of truths.

As a new author I am still figuring out how to add humor to my stories. I intend to study yours for guidance. From A. Y. Stratton

Delaney Diamond said...

Hi A.Y.! Thank you for the kind comment. I tend to keep my sensual romances serious, but I do inject humor into the sweet ones.

Stacy-Deanne said...

LOL! If only real life could be like this! Great post, Delaney! Love it!

http://www.stacy-deanne.net

Delaney Diamond said...

Wouldn't it be lovely if it could be? Romance novels can spoil us for real life.

Fiona said...

Another thing for sure about romance novels: a woman who is a virgin will get deflowered by a man who is determined to teach her to enjoy herself from the start. So no matter how she has had to tamp her own sex drive down for years, she will instantly become so erotically aroused that she will strip, pole dance, then do everything with him from missionary to back door to "deep-throat", and she will have multiple orgasms from all of it, with no pain what-so-ever.

Delaney Diamond said...

LOL! Well said!